It was 7 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. Masa tu we just got married for about 3 or 4 months gitu la. And we were ecstatic! Sebenarnye sebelum tu I was a bit distressed sebab kawan-kawan yg lain tak lama lepas kawin jer terus pregnant, lepas sorang, sorang, kawin jer pregnant, kawin jer pregnant, stress makcik! (And we were only married for two months mase tu, tu pun dah stress. Haiyoh tah pape tah *roll eyes*). Only when I decided takyah pikir sangat, what will be, will be, siap sign up for membership kat Celebrity Fitness lagi, sekali tetibe pregnant. Haiyohhhh, memang bye bye lah gym ?
And then I told my mom, and somehow I felt like she wasn’t too keen with the news. I mean, not that she’s not happy, but I felt like something was off. Which was a little weird, but I just thought maybe she thinks it’s too soon for us to have a baby. Little did I know back then that she was holding a huge secret from us children.
It was a few weeks after that that she dropped the bomb on us. It was on a rainy saturday morning, I was on my way to shah alam because I have a kursus audit to attend, that I received the text message from mama. Masa tu kebetulan tengah lampu merah dkt traffic light, so typical malaysian haruslah tengok henfon masa lampu merah kan? And my heart almost dropped. There. Then. Dan dengan spontan air mata keluar berjuraian tanpa dapat ditahan-tahan. Tersedu-sedu menangis dalam kereta (i drove alone) tapi gigihkan diri jugak drive untuk sampai ke destinasi.
Apparently mama has gone for checkups without us knowing. And she didn’t tell us that she has a cancerous tumour in her breast until after she has got a date to get the tumour removed. And only then did she tell us. And even then, she could not say it to our face, hence the text message. Dia kata dia tak tau macamana nak bagitau pada kitorang, tak terluah di mulut, so she has to put it on writing (I guess I’m a lot like my mom in that sense). And even then, she only sent the message to me & my sis the daughters, not the sons. Maybe she doesn’t know how to convey it to them too. And if I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t know what to say too..
And I couldn’t stop crying, texted my husband that we need to go back to bangi after I finished my course. But of course, I have a course to attend, a smile to put and tears to conceal. And there I was, trying to look ok when I was so broken inside, when all I wanna do is break down and cry, but I was putting a brave front and smile instead. That’s just who I am. I don’t like people to see my grieve, I don’t want to talk about it, don’t want people to know about it. So I put up a smile and braved my way till the end of the course. And then broke down the moment I got home.
You see, my father passed away when I was 10. And so my mother is the only parent I have left, the only one that has been there for us for the past decades, our pillar, our strenght, the voice inside our heads. and the thought that she had breast cancer really disturbed me, as I couldn’t imagine the thought of losing her too ?
Only then I realized why she wasn’t being too enthusiastic when I told her I was pregnant. She’s got bigger issues on her mind, what’s with the operation coming up. And we were so worried. Of course, what’s with the pregnancy hormone and all, I kept crying and crying and crying sampai mata dah kering dah rasa, and I know that I had to be strong for my mom. So I stopped. And my sister being the great elder sister that she is, told my other siblings and aunties too coz we figured mama would need all the support she can get.
And of course, mama was so lucky to have sisters who would do anything for her. Our aunties and cousins came to give their support to us, and just with their presence we felt a bit stronger. Terima kasih semua. I was a wreck, but I managed to pull myself back together. Thanx to the love of family.
Alhamdulillah, 7 years had passed since then, and mama is recovering well. Syukur ke hadrat Ilahi kerana masih meminjamkan mama kepada kami. Coz I wouldn’t know how to take care of my son if it weren’t for my mom. Alhamdulillah semasa kelahiran Nawfal, mama was already strong enough to take care of us both masa dalam pantang (walaupun mama baru je underwent surgery a few months before that). Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, perancangan Allah itu Maha Hebat. Tiada Tuhan selain Allah.
And this is the first time I opened up about this. All these years, I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone about how scared I was, how broken I felt, how hopeless it seemed.
7 years had passed..
Happy Birthday Nawfal. Your year of birth will always remain a memorable year for me. Semoga Allah panjangkan lagi umur mama.. moga mama sihat dan happy selalu. We love you ma ?
And surprisingly, I passed that kursus audit I was attending. The only peserta who ‘passed dengan cemerlang’ at that time. Funny huh? ?
