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It was 7 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. Masa tu we just got married for about 3 or 4 months gitu la. And we were ecstatic! Sebenarnye sebelum tu I was a bit distressed sebab kawan-kawan yg lain tak lama lepas kawin jer terus pregnant, lepas sorang, sorang, kawin jer pregnant, kawin jer pregnant, stress makcik! (And we were only married for two months mase tu, tu pun dah stress. Haiyoh tah pape tah *roll eyes*). Only when I decided takyah pikir sangat, what will be, will be, siap sign up for membership kat Celebrity Fitness lagi, sekali tetibe pregnant. Haiyohhhh, memang bye bye lah gym ?

And then I told my mom, and somehow I felt like she wasn’t too keen with the news. I mean, not that she’s not happy, but I felt like something was off. Which was a little weird, but I just thought maybe she thinks it’s too soon for us to have a baby. Little did I know back then that she was holding a huge secret from us children.

It was a few weeks after that that she dropped the bomb on us. It was on a rainy saturday morning, I was on my way to shah alam because I have a kursus audit to attend, that I received the text message from mama. Masa tu kebetulan tengah lampu merah dkt traffic light, so typical malaysian haruslah tengok henfon masa lampu merah kan? And my heart almost dropped. There. Then. Dan dengan spontan air mata keluar berjuraian tanpa dapat ditahan-tahan. Tersedu-sedu menangis dalam kereta (i drove alone) tapi gigihkan diri jugak drive untuk sampai ke destinasi.

Apparently mama has gone for checkups without us knowing. And she didn’t tell us that she has a cancerous tumour in her breast until after she has got a date to get the tumour removed. And only then did she tell us. And even then, she could not say it to our face, hence the text message. Dia kata dia tak tau macamana nak bagitau pada kitorang, tak terluah di mulut, so she has to put it on writing (I guess I’m a lot like my mom in that sense). And even then, she only sent the message to me & my sis the daughters, not the sons. Maybe she doesn’t know how to convey it to them too. And if I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t know what to say too..

And I couldn’t stop crying, texted my husband that we need to go back to bangi after I finished my course. But of course, I have a course to attend, a smile to put and tears to conceal. And there I was, trying to look ok when I was so broken inside, when all I wanna do is break down and cry, but I was putting a brave front and smile instead. That’s just who I am. I don’t like people to see my grieve, I don’t want to talk about it, don’t want people to know about it. So I put up a smile and braved my way till the end of the course. And then broke down the moment I got home.

You see, my father passed away when I was 10. And so my mother is the only parent I have left, the only one that has been there for us for the past decades, our pillar, our strenght, the voice inside our heads. and the thought that she had breast cancer really disturbed me, as I couldn’t imagine the thought of losing her too ?

Only then I realized why she wasn’t being too enthusiastic when I told her I was pregnant. She’s got bigger issues on her mind, what’s with the operation coming up. And we were so worried. Of course, what’s with the pregnancy hormone and all, I kept crying and crying and crying sampai mata dah kering dah rasa, and I know that I had to be strong for my mom. So I stopped. And my sister being the great elder sister that she is, told my other siblings and aunties too coz we figured mama would need all the support she can get.

And of course, mama was so lucky to have sisters who would do anything for her. Our aunties and cousins came to give their support to us, and just with their presence we felt a bit stronger. Terima kasih semua. I was a wreck, but I managed to pull myself back together. Thanx to the love of family.

Alhamdulillah, 7 years had passed since then, and mama is recovering well. Syukur ke hadrat Ilahi kerana masih meminjamkan mama kepada kami. Coz I wouldn’t know how to take care of my son if it weren’t for my mom. Alhamdulillah semasa kelahiran Nawfal, mama was already strong enough to take care of us both masa dalam pantang (walaupun mama baru je underwent surgery a few months before that). Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, perancangan Allah itu Maha Hebat. Tiada Tuhan selain Allah.

And this is the first time I opened up about this. All these years, I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone about how scared I was, how broken I felt, how hopeless it seemed.

7 years had passed..

Happy Birthday Nawfal. Your year of birth will always remain a memorable year for me. Semoga Allah panjangkan lagi umur mama.. moga mama sihat dan happy selalu. We love you ma ?

And surprisingly, I passed that kursus audit I was attending. The only peserta who ‘passed dengan cemerlang’ at that time. Funny huh? ?

Hakak kena kuaddddd!! Sebab apa hakak-hakak habang-habang kena kuaddd?? Sebab akan ada banyak dugaan-dugaan di luar sana yang akan membuatkan resolusi untuk diet itu menjadi lemah! Contohnya adalah iklan ayam goreng mekdi yang macam rase nak meleleh air liur apabila melihat ayam goreng itu dimamah dengan begitu nikmat sekali oleh manusia di kaca tv. Dan juga iklan eskrem magnum red velvet. Oh my God kenapa kelihatan sangat sedappppp???

Ok ok, sabar sabar… Bertenang hakak-hakak sekalian. Nak kurus ke tak nih? Kalau nak kurus, duduk diam-diam, tarik napas dalam-dalam dan tanya balik diri anda, “kenapa nak kurus?”

As for me, December last year I’ve hit the most berat sekali berat badan dalam sejarah hidup saya (ketika tidak pregnant that is. Berat pregnant tidak kira yer.. Sape yg pregnant takyah sibuk2 nak diet hokeh.). Dan bila tengok angka kat penimbang I was like, “seriouslyyy??” Betul ke penimbang nihhh?? (yes, always blame the penimbang :P) dan ada sedikit rase macam satu penampar hinggap di pipi ku yang gebuss, macam “how did I let this happen?” dan persoalan yang lebih penting adalah, “will I continue to let it be?”

The thing is, selama ni I have always blamed the hormones. True, saya memang ambik hormone for family planning and that affected my berat badan and there’s nothing I can do about it. Or so I thought. Apa yang sebenarnya berlaku is that, I actually let that happen. I let myself believed that the hormones yang membuatkan saya gemuk. Dan saya terus sahaja menerima kenyataan itu without doing anything about it. Well that, was about to stop.

This is my life, this is my body, and I am in control of it.

So begins my so called “eat clean”. Rule nye senang jer. Kurangkan karbohidrat, kurangkan gula, dan banyakkan sayur. and plenty of air kosong! and do add in some kind of exercise pleaseee.. (senaaanggggg sangat kannnnnnn :p)

So nasik tu kalau selalu makan sepinggan penuh, kurangkan lah jadi suku pinggan sahaja. Better yet, kalau boleh substitute nasik dengan carbs yg lain seperti bihun ke mee udon ke, then by all means, please do so. Yang penting, kurangkan portion nasik tu (bukan tak bagi makan nasik langsung habang oiii, kurangkan bilangan sendukan nasik tu jerrrr). Dan lauk seeloknya adalah dari jenis white meat lah. Iaitu ayam atau ikan. or telur also can la… Lagi elok adalah jika lauk2 itu adalah dari jenis yang rebus-rebus, bakar-bakar, panggang-panggang, kukus-kukus gittewww… Elakkan lauk yang bergoreng. Tapi kalau takde option, belasah jerrr yang goreng-goreng pun. Barulah sedap yer dak? hehehe… tapi seeloknya kurangkan lah makanan yang bergoreng ye.. As for me, masa awal2 nak diet tu makan telur rebus jer uolzz.. huk huk sedih tak bunyik? (determinaton kena kuaddd, determination kena kuaddd!! :p)

And then, yang satu ni kena kuat jugak. Kurangkan gula! As for me, saya tiada masalah untuk tidak meminum air manis kerana saya adalah sejenis manusia yang memang suka kan air kosong dan tak berapa minum air manis, atau sejuk, atau bergas, atau berkafein atau yang sewaktu dengannya. Saya suka air kosong! ya, bukan air kosong yang ada ais. saya suka air suam! ya, saya suka air suam! (Yes, I’m weird like that). So cutting off air manis is not a challenge for me. Butttttttt…. I do love dessertss!!! Saya suka kek!! Saya suka kuih manis! Saya suka brownies! Saya suka, saya suka!! So the challenge is untuk tidak memakan dessert. Sobs. Actually boleh jer makan. But not too often, dan kurangkan portionnya. Like a piece of cake tu, janganlah habiskan sekali harung, sebaliknya makanlah ia dua atau tiga kali, dalam jarak intervals 2 jam setiap kali makan. Ataupun, share lah cake itu dengan insan-insan kesayangan, untuk mengurangkan portion yang kita makan kerana (kegemukan dikongsi bersama) sharing is caring kannn kannnn? (nak kurus tak, nak kurus takkk?? Share! *jegil bijik mata)

Pastu makan sayur, minum air kosong banyak-banyak. Bla bla bla, yadda yadda yadda.. Alah yang ni korang pun tahu kan? Tinggal nak buat atau tak jer kann kann kannn??

Lagi satu elemen tambahan yang penting: exercise!!! yezzaaaaa! Sebenarnye yang ni korang pun tahu gak, cuma malas nak buat jer kan kan kan? hehehe… As for me, sebab saya ada some basic exercise technique semasa menjadi gym freak di Australia dulu, maka all I need is a refresher on what exercise I should do. Dan saya memilih untuk membuat cardio exercise sebab saya tahu saya perlu increase my metabolism rate. At the same time, I have target areas yang perlu dikecilkan iaitu seperti perut dan hips don’t lie saya. So for cardio workout, saya memilih untuk follow Powerwalk by Leslie Samsone which was recommended by my colleague Kak Am. (Thank you kak am!). Saya suka powerwalk ni sebab not only ianya adalah cardio workout, tapi ada strength training sekali guna hand weights, so kire macam whole body workout terus lah. and buat kat rumah jer uolz, takyah susah2 nak pegi gym. Opkos, kalau uolz ada bajet lebih, pegi gym lagilah syok wehhh! Tapi bagi manusia yang takde bajet nak gi gym macam saya, tengok jer youtube, follow jer exercise tu. Senang jer uolz! Ni haa iolz masukkan video sekali utk uolz yg malas nak cari. (jangan kata hakak tak payung yerr)

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1v5qwl_walk-away-the-pounds-with-leslie-sansone-3-mile-weight-loss-walk_lifestyle

Pastu aritu kan hakak ada post status kat fb pasal tengok video Pilates for Dummies sambil makan nasik beriani kan? Well sebenarnye hakak tengah cari video yang sesuai untuk follow ler tu.. Yerlah, untuk mengecilkan perut dan hips don’t lie tuuuu. hehehe… Alkisahnye, korang sendiri tahu badan korang kat mana yg terlebih dan terkurang, maka carilah exercise yg bersesuaian dengan bentuk badan masing-masing yer.. jangan hikut hakak pulak. Masalah kita semua tidak sama deknonn… What can be applied to me, not necessarily can be applied to you. Gitteww..  (and yes, I do eat nasik beriani, tapi sebungkus tu makan 3 kali hokeh)

Maka berjayakah diet ku itu? Alhamdulillah, dalam 12 weeks tu ada la turun 5 kg. Walaupun sekarang masih belum la kurus sangat lagi, tapi pada insan2 yg ada jumpa saya pada bulan 12 itu hari, ketahuilah bahawa sesungguhnya saya sudah turun 5 kg!! wooohoooo! tapi pada insan2 yang last jumpa saya adalah masa di australia tahun 2008 dulu, ketahuilah, saya sudah gemuk 10kg!! Hahaha.. Saya perlu turun lagi 10kg kalau nak dapatkan berat badan sebelum kawin dulu. hukhukhuk.. Well, I can continue to blame the hormones, but what good will that do, right?

At the moment, masih control portion makanan, tapi makanan dah tak berapa healthy sangat (ada sedikit elemen lupa diri di sini). Dengan harapan moga-moga berat badan tidak naik lagi. Coz in the end, it’s about feeling good about yourself. Kalau sampai tengok cermin pun tak sanggup sebab tak sanggup melihat kehodohan di cermin, then it’s about time to change, don’t you think? If I can do it, then surely you can. #weladiesmuststayunited #jangankawandenganorangkurus #ehh

kbai. (jangan kata hakak tak payung) 😉

Ceh, title tak menahannn!

By the way, entahlah kenapa tetibe terase macam nak menulis lagi. Macam tak cukup panjang jer post yang sebelum ni? Tak cukup panjang, tak NJ lah macam niiii kannnn…

Lagipun, nanti kalau lakiku tanye nak renew subscription blog ni tak, bolehlah I cakap, “hey, tahun ni saya dah tulis 2 blog post tau! it’s a 100% increase from last year!” hahahaha (sebab last year tulis satu post jer).

Lepas tu tibe-tibe macam tak tau nak tulis apa. Cissssssss, kegilaan apakah iniii??? Takpelah, at least dah ada 2 blog post tahun ni. kahkahkahkah.

Hai suami! 😀

There’s this feeling, a feeling I can’t describe whenever I looked at Nayel’s pictures. A feeling of serenity, calm, peacefulness. Sesuatu yang sangat menyenangkan, that takes away all your stress and worries. A feeling of love that I can never put into words. Sesuatu yang sangat sukar dimengertikan. Mungkinkah semua ibu-ibu mempunyai perasaan begini?

The thing is, I don’t remember having these feelings for Nawfal dan Nafiz. Atau mungkinkah saya yang sudah tua sehingga saya lupa saya pernah juga merasakan perasaan ini terhadap mereka? Uhuk uhuk. Adakah saya jahat sebab when I put it this way, it is as if saya lebih sayangkan Nayel berbanding abang-abangnya? Adakah saya seorang anomali, atau adakah anda juga pernah berperasaan yang sama? I’m not saying I fancy one over the other, it’s just a feeling that I can’t describe. (Ceh poyolah weh, baru anak tiga dah berhypothesis macam-macam :p)

Mungkin, (mungkinlah) Nayel hadir di saat jiwa tengah kacau, dan Allah hadirkan nya sebagai penenang jiwa (mungkinlah). Mungkin ketika Nawfal hadir, saya sebenarnya belum mentally prepared to be a mother lantas saya mengalami sedikit depressi setelah kehadirannya? (dan menjaga Nawfal ketika baby adalah sangat horror! Oh My God, experience yang sangat-sangat macam “are you sure you want one of this again?” Gitchu). Nasib baik bila dah besar sikit ni Nawfal sudah senang untuk dijaga. Thank you Nawfal.

Dan kehadiran Nafiz pula adalah tidak diduga. Accident katanyerr.. huhuhu. A beautiful one that is. And juggling between Nawfal dan Nafiz yang beza umur 20 bulan adalah agak memenatkan. Mungkin kerana itu I missed that ‘blessed’ feeling masa melahirkan mereka. Mungkinkah? Don’t get me wrong. I do love my children, cuma the feeling is different. Iskk. Am I making any sense? Inilah yang tak reti nak describe nih. Sebab lain, lain sangatttt perasaannya.

Dengan Nayel, it’s different. Ada sebuah perasaan yang tenang, setenang air di kali (gittewww) whenever I looked at him. Entahlah, susahla nak describe. Persoalannya, korang ada perasaan macam tu jugak ke aku sorang je yang macam ni??? Kbai.

To Nawfal dan Nafiz if you’re reading this satu hari nanti, please know that mama sayang Nawfal dan Nafiz juga. Sama, tiada beza nya. Cuma when I had you guys, I was less wiser, less bijak mengawal emosi and less friends with experience. Sekarang hopefully mama can be a better mother to you guys coz you guys taught me a lot. How to be better, how to be wiser, how to be more patient. Thank you Allah, atas ketiga-tiga anugerah ini. Moga saya dikurniakan umur yang panjang untuk melihat mereka membesar menjadi manusia yang berguna. I love my Naquibs. Till Jannah. 🙂

After a long hiatus, I suddenly has the urge to write. Well, biase lah kan, me being me. NJ sangattt.. Hehe (setahun sekali baru post kat blog. Apakahhh?? Beli domain name beriya, pastu malas menulis. Pffbttttt. Baiklah, saya cuba jadi lebih rajin lepas ni. Saya cuba!)

Hmm.. So what inspired me to write? Well since I had a hearty talk with the hubby this morning, it kinda made me think. Sebenarnya apakah yang membuat a marriage works? Well, umur perkahwinan saya masih muda, baru nak masuk 6 tahun and there’s still a lot to learn about each other. Tapi tapi… Apakah sebenarnya faktor yang membuatkan kita stick to this marriage?

Hubby talked about his frenz yang dah bercerai, dua orang katanya and both adalah perempuan (biase lah johari rahmad kan selalu menjadi frenzone kepada rakan-rakan perempuan beliau. Pffbttt.) and the thing is, apabila ditanya pada sang perempuan apakah yg mereka lakukan untuk suami mereka, katanya they did their best, jaga makan pakai suami. Pagi2 siap kan breakfast, baju keje pe sumer and bla bla bla.. Kedengaran memang sangat hebat macam ala2 perfect wife yg kita selalu disogokkan dlm drama2 melayu tu, tapi tapi… Kenapa bercerai jugak? Kenapa husband diorang ada affair lain pulak? Whyyyy whyyyy?? If they have done their best, then isn’t their best good enuff?

So sebenarnya apa kah definition ‘i did my best’ in a marriage? Is it safe to assume that all marriages can use the same formula? Or does each marriage institution requires its own formulation? Kalau dipikirkan dgn logik akal, each and every individuals are different, therefore mungkin apa yg works for some marriages might not work for others, betul tak? Well itu logik akal saya lah. You’re free to have your own opinions of course 😉

As for me, apa yang membuatkan marriage saya bertahan setakat ni saya rase is mainly my husband’s ability to communicate effectively dgn saya yg suka memendam rase ni. Me being me, tak berapa reti sangat nak meluahkan perasaan secara bersemuka. Tulis pandai la. Keyboard warrior katakan… Huhu.. But when it comes to communicating my feelings secara berdepan memang bermasalah. So that’s where my husband came in, sentiase berterus terang dan jujur dan straight to the point dan kadang2 buat saya terkesima dgn kejujurannya, tapi takpe, nasib baik bini beliau tak cepat sentap dan sudi menerima teguran dgn baik dan actually sangat appreciate kejujuran beliau sbb at least i know where i stand and how I should improve myself. Haa amik ko, panjang ayat! Kalau lafaz nikah ni mau tercungap cungap kena ulang banyak kali. Huhu.

Dan actually apabila beliau telah mengamalkan amalan berterus terang ni, I can slowly adapt dan saya pun dah mula pandai mengekspresikan diri saya kepada beliau walaupun tak berapa hebat sangat, but I’m learning and I think it’s a good progress. I think every couple should communicate. Communicate with each other yer, bukan cerita masalah perkahwinan kepada orang lain, kerana kalau salah pilih teman berbicara, mungkin buruk padahnya. Yang tu takyah lah saya cerita. Lu pikirlah sendiri yer.. Gitchuu.

What else? Oh yeah, of course dalam marriage perlu ada trust. And contrary to popular belief, cinta sahaja tidak mencukupi utk membuat a marriage works yer.. Masing-masing perlu ada tolak ansur, give and take, sometimes sacrifices adalah essential juga. Seperti jika anda ingin merokok sila merokok di luar rumah kerana anak bini masih sayangkan paru-paru mereka yer, and things like that. Yup.

Well, what else? Rasenya openness dlm relationship adalah agak penting. Kalau kena tegur, takyah nak cepat melenting sangat. Duk diam, cuba reflect diri. Pikir betul betul and be honest with yourself. Kalau betul awak salah, own it. Jangan nak berada dalam denial nak rase diri ko tu perfect sangat. Yang perfect tu Allah S.w.t je. Kita semua manusia ni banyak flaw nyer, sila terima kekurangan diri apabila disajikan di depan mata yer… Heheh..

Panjang pula bebelanku. Amik ko, setahun sekali menulis, panjang pulak karangan ku kali ni. Btw, apa yg saya coretkan di sini is based on my own opinion and experience semata mata. Minta maaf jika ianya ada menyinggung sesiapa. Usia perkahwinan saya masih muda, masih banyak yg saya perlu pelajari dan tempuhi. Jadi setakat ini sahaja yg mampu saya kongsikan buat masa ini. Generasi mak pak kita mesti lagi otai dah kawin berpuluh puluh tahun, mereka lebih layak memberi nasihat and of course, jika mereka sudi memberi nasihat, I’m all ears 😉

So how about you? What makes your marriage work?

It’s been such a while..
I don’t even know how to define ‘a while’ anymore.
It seems each and every post of mine will start with that kinda sentence.
Well, can’t help it since it’s true.

So I’ve decided to buy my own domain name. Fefeeling retisss gittewww! Ooopss, pembetulan, retis pun belum tentu ada domain name lagi. Kire I up sikit la dari retis. Eh? Hehe :p

Well, what do I do with this new blog? Don’t I have enough already? Well, you’ll see, you’ll see.. *wink wink*

What to expect? The giler or the sane me? Well, even I haven’t decided on that yet. So tunggu jer lah yer..

You know you love me, XOXO.